It Is Time I Got On With My Life

I have always looked back and wondered what my life would be like if I done things differently in the past. I constantly put myself down for dropping out of college. I wonder what it would be like if I hadn't wasted my days partying and throwing away the opportunity to get an education. I think of what I would be doing and how great things would be if I had focused on the things that really mattered and actually finished my degree. I think of how much more I could do now if I hadn't gotten myself into so much debt. I think of where I would be if I had never gone inactive after I was baptized in the Church. How much easier would my life be if I hadn't done sooooooooo many stupid things! It's one mistake after another. One regret after another! and I can't do anything about it now!

This past Sunday at church, Amanda gave the lesson and spoke of letting things go and just go on with your life. At the fireside that evening, the speakers touched on this as well. It's amazing to me how the Lord knows exactly what we need to hear! I really cannot change anything by sitting here thinking of what I could have done differently and wondering what it would be like now. The only things I have is today and I can only hope and prepare for tomorrow! I need to stop focusing on the past and putting myself down for things that I simply cannot change. I've already screwed up and I need to deal with the consequences now. As much as that sucks, I cannot avoid it! It's there. I'm only 23! I often feel like I am getting old and I'm running out of time. It's too late to do this or that is what I often tell myself. But really, its not too late! I can go back to school and I can eventually pay off all my debt and just forget of all the things that I can. I can do anything I set my mind to. I just need to stop looking at the past and get working on the future. It is time I got on with my life and forget the past!

Mosiah 26:20-24

20 Thou art my servant; and I covenant with thee that thou shalt have eternal life; and thou shalt serve me and go forth in my name, and shalt gather together my sheep.

21 And he that will hear my voice shall be my sheep; and him shall ye receive into the church, and him will I also receive.

22 For behold, this is my church; whosoever is baptized shall be baptized unto repentance. And whomsoever ye receive shall believe in my name; and him will I freely forgive.

23 For it is I that taketh upon me the sins of the world; for it is I that hath created them; and it is I that granteth unto him that believeth unto the end a place at my right hand.

24 For behold, in my name are they called; and if they know me they shall come forth, and shall have a place eternally at my right hand.

The Miracle of Forgiveness

If you know me, you know I'm definitely NOT a reader. It's something I wish I did more often, but I just don't do. I have been reading (or attempting to read, I should say) The Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W. Kimball for some time now but really hadn't gone too far with it. I'd read a little here and there and that was it. As of a few days ago, I cannot put it down! I've been reading a lot and come to realize that I am only at the beginning of the road of repentance and forgiveness. Since I was baptized in 2004, I've come and gone from the Church. I've had my periods of inactivity and my very short periods of "activity". Every time I've come back I've kind of expected forgiveness after a very short period of what I considered "active activity". I've come back, wanting to change my ways and for the most part, have changed them. Yet, still... nothing! Still no temple recommend, still no callings, still no "sign" (for lack of a better term) that I had been forgiven. I got frustrated and discouraged, angry and upset at the Bishop for telling me I had to wait a little longer. I thought I was doing everything I had to do and thought I was in "good terms" with Heavenly Father and I should be allowed to partake of all the opportunities and blessings of the Gospel . Little did I know, that is just the beginning. Yes, I have changed my ways! I have been "active" in that I go to church every Sunday and attend other church meetings. I didn't, however, understand that repentance is somewhat of a long road and one that needs to be traveled in order to receive the great miracle of forgiveness. There is a list of questions which President Kimball said he asked a young man who was trying to repent. Some of these are:

Do you wish to be forgiven?

How much did you study the scriptures before you trouble? How much since?

Are you attending meetings? Paying tithing?

Have you confessed your total sins?

Are you humble now? Is it a result of "being forced to be humble"?

Have you wrestled with your problems as did Enos? Has your soul hungered for your soul's sake? Did you "cry unto him" a day-long prayer and into the night and raise your voice high that it reached the heavens, as did Enos?

How much have you fasted?

How much suffering have you endured? Is your guilt swept away?

Of course I want to be forgiven! I didn’t ever really even look at my scriptures while I was inactive. I can’t say I have been studying them daily like I know I should. I am attending meeting regularly and paying close attention, being truly interested in what is said but I have not been actively participating in them. I think I’ve paid my tithing once or twice in all my time as a member of the Church. Once or twice!!! And I expect forgiveness when I cannot keep a simple commandment? I am so much in debt and have so many bills to pay (consequences of stupid decisions) that I have always told myself “I cannot afford to pay tithing” no matter how much money I have made. How can I NOT afford to pay tithing? Surely if I can go out and buy a $130 dress that I tell myself I “need” and will really only wear once, I can pay tithing. What is faith if not trusting the Lord to take care of me? I haven’t confessed all my sins yet (not entirely my fault) and I have A LOT to work on to be humble. I’ve discovered this whole new passion for food and I am, I guess, too selfish to give up two meals because of it and so, I haven’t done much fasting. I have not endured much suffering and my guilt has not been swept away because I am clearly ONLY at the beginning or the road.

I think the reason why I have always just “expected” things is because of the way my parents have treated me. In all these years that I’ve been away from home, I have made some pretty stupid decisions. I have made the same mistakes repeatedly and have not learned my lesson greatly in part because my parents are always there to clean up my mess. Anytime I am in any sort of trouble, they are there. I know that whatever I do, they will be there to make it better. I taken them for granted without thinking that tomorrow, they could be gone and NO ONE else is going to be there to get me out of the hole I’ve dug up for myself. I’m selfish and have taken advantage of their unconditional love many times. They have always handed me everything without me having to work very hard for it. I am When it comes to my parents, I am a selfish, spoiled brat! And its not something I am very proud of. I hate it! And I will have to work very hard to change that.

Anyway, so this journey has just begun. I have a long way to go, a long road to travel, much suffering to endure. I am sure there will be a lot of struggles, a lot temptation, a lot of praying, a lot of tears, a lot of need for comfort and blessings from Priesthood holders. As sad and difficult as that sounds, I also know I have an even longer road ahead of me to enjoy the blessings He has prepared for me after I have repented and am worthy to receive the great miracle of forgiveness. An eternity of joy and blessings after a very short (but what seems like a very long) period of suffering is definitely better than an eternity of suffering after a short period of fun and amusement.

Families Can Be Together Forever...

Yesterday I was talking to a childhood friend and The Church and eternal families came up. First off, I haven't talked to him in ages! and we just happened to find each other on Facebook. We started out with a normal "how have you been?" and "what are you up to?" conversation than later turned into a very sad and kind of disrespectful conversation. Marriage somehow came up and he was joking about how we should get married and whatnot. I mentioned I wanted to be married in the temple and to someone who is LDS, so I would have to turn him down. His reaction... "WTF! So you can't marry someone who isn't Mormon?" Of course, I can marry someone who isn't LDS, but I simply WON'T because I want to be married in the temple. He asked why and so I shared with him that I know you can be sealed to your partner and families for time and all eternity and that that was what I wanted for myself. He thought it was creepy and he said he wouldn't want to be with him family for eternity. How sad is that? Why wouldn't anyone want to be sealed to their family FOREVER?! I am SO glad to KNOW that this is possible and that it will happen someday. That when I leave this Earth, I will return to live with Heavenly Father and my family will be there with me too. It is amazing and it makes me very happy to know that families can be together forever through Heavenly Father's plan.

Right Back to Summer 2007

Do you happen to listen to a song and it takes you back in time and it's like you're there all over again? Today I heard Tim McGraw and Faith Hill's "I Need You" and it took me right back to the Summer of 2007. At this time, I was dating a guy whose name shall remain unsaid (although, if you know me, you know who it is). I was so ridiculously in love with him, it wasn't even funny! I was completely head over heels and regardless of how things ended, its the happiest I have ever been in a relationship. I was the most self-less person and my needs and wants came second to his. All I wanted was for this particular person to be happy and because of it, I was happy. Now, listening to that song makes me think of that and how I long to find that again. I've had several other relationships after this, but none have come close to it. I mean, I even moved in with a guy and I didn't feel half as much for him as I did for this particular person of Summer '07! I want to feel that way again! I want to be that much in love again that this other persons happiness is essential to my happiness. I'm sure he's out there someone and the Lord is preparing a way for us to meet, if we haven't already.

Standing Right In Front of You

Out on the street corner
Just like every morning I sit here
And I watch you walk my way
And even though I don’t know you
As you get closer I swear I feel
My heart start racing, aching
Maybe it’s in my mind
And maybe I’m only dreaming
And I swear you catch my eye
As you walk on by
Oh why you gotta leave me so blue

Baby why can’t you see
That I’m the only one for you
You could search the world over
But you’ll never find another so true
Cause if you’re looking for love
I’m standing right in front of you

I bet your heart, like mine
Has been broken by someone
We never should have given it to (oh no)
So we put up a wall to keep from falling so hard
It’s so sad
Cause there’s such good love inside
And I’ve been hoping that I might find
Someone who feels the same way
Someone to share my life
On this beautiful ride together
We could see it all through

Baby why can’t you see
That I’m the only one for you
You could search the world over
But you’ll never find another so true
Cause if you’re looking for love
I’m standing right in front of you

So this morning I’m just going to walk up and say hello to you
Cause if given a choice between love and being alone
I know which one
I know which one I choose
And give me a chance
I’d be a better man for you (I believe I would)
And open your heart girl
Let me make your dreams come true

You can search the world over
But I can take it to the moon
Cause if you’re looking for love
I’m standing right in front of you (yes I am)
Standing right in front of you
Open your eyes, I’m standing right in front of you
Just give me a chance baby
I'm standing right in front of you

Mmhh...

This morning as I was getting ready for work and thinking of how dull my life is here in Fresno I began contemplating the idea of moving. To Utah or Texas!! Where that came from? No idea! I don’t know ANYONE in either Utah or Texas, but they just popped right into my mind. I really don’t have anything that is really keeping me in Fresno. I mean, there is my family, friends and boyfriend and I would miss them but we can always keep in touch and they can visit. But, I mean, its not like I have some great job or career here that would make me second guess the idea of moving and I am not in school here, so that’s that. I think a change would be good for me. Just pick up and leave. A fresh start! That would be fabulous! Of course this isn’t like deciding I “need” a new pair of shoes and I instantly get up and go to the mall. I need to think about this… pray about it… and find out where I am supposed to be.