The Miracle of Forgiveness

If you know me, you know I'm definitely NOT a reader. It's something I wish I did more often, but I just don't do. I have been reading (or attempting to read, I should say) The Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W. Kimball for some time now but really hadn't gone too far with it. I'd read a little here and there and that was it. As of a few days ago, I cannot put it down! I've been reading a lot and come to realize that I am only at the beginning of the road of repentance and forgiveness. Since I was baptized in 2004, I've come and gone from the Church. I've had my periods of inactivity and my very short periods of "activity". Every time I've come back I've kind of expected forgiveness after a very short period of what I considered "active activity". I've come back, wanting to change my ways and for the most part, have changed them. Yet, still... nothing! Still no temple recommend, still no callings, still no "sign" (for lack of a better term) that I had been forgiven. I got frustrated and discouraged, angry and upset at the Bishop for telling me I had to wait a little longer. I thought I was doing everything I had to do and thought I was in "good terms" with Heavenly Father and I should be allowed to partake of all the opportunities and blessings of the Gospel . Little did I know, that is just the beginning. Yes, I have changed my ways! I have been "active" in that I go to church every Sunday and attend other church meetings. I didn't, however, understand that repentance is somewhat of a long road and one that needs to be traveled in order to receive the great miracle of forgiveness. There is a list of questions which President Kimball said he asked a young man who was trying to repent. Some of these are:

Do you wish to be forgiven?

How much did you study the scriptures before you trouble? How much since?

Are you attending meetings? Paying tithing?

Have you confessed your total sins?

Are you humble now? Is it a result of "being forced to be humble"?

Have you wrestled with your problems as did Enos? Has your soul hungered for your soul's sake? Did you "cry unto him" a day-long prayer and into the night and raise your voice high that it reached the heavens, as did Enos?

How much have you fasted?

How much suffering have you endured? Is your guilt swept away?

Of course I want to be forgiven! I didn’t ever really even look at my scriptures while I was inactive. I can’t say I have been studying them daily like I know I should. I am attending meeting regularly and paying close attention, being truly interested in what is said but I have not been actively participating in them. I think I’ve paid my tithing once or twice in all my time as a member of the Church. Once or twice!!! And I expect forgiveness when I cannot keep a simple commandment? I am so much in debt and have so many bills to pay (consequences of stupid decisions) that I have always told myself “I cannot afford to pay tithing” no matter how much money I have made. How can I NOT afford to pay tithing? Surely if I can go out and buy a $130 dress that I tell myself I “need” and will really only wear once, I can pay tithing. What is faith if not trusting the Lord to take care of me? I haven’t confessed all my sins yet (not entirely my fault) and I have A LOT to work on to be humble. I’ve discovered this whole new passion for food and I am, I guess, too selfish to give up two meals because of it and so, I haven’t done much fasting. I have not endured much suffering and my guilt has not been swept away because I am clearly ONLY at the beginning or the road.

I think the reason why I have always just “expected” things is because of the way my parents have treated me. In all these years that I’ve been away from home, I have made some pretty stupid decisions. I have made the same mistakes repeatedly and have not learned my lesson greatly in part because my parents are always there to clean up my mess. Anytime I am in any sort of trouble, they are there. I know that whatever I do, they will be there to make it better. I taken them for granted without thinking that tomorrow, they could be gone and NO ONE else is going to be there to get me out of the hole I’ve dug up for myself. I’m selfish and have taken advantage of their unconditional love many times. They have always handed me everything without me having to work very hard for it. I am When it comes to my parents, I am a selfish, spoiled brat! And its not something I am very proud of. I hate it! And I will have to work very hard to change that.

Anyway, so this journey has just begun. I have a long way to go, a long road to travel, much suffering to endure. I am sure there will be a lot of struggles, a lot temptation, a lot of praying, a lot of tears, a lot of need for comfort and blessings from Priesthood holders. As sad and difficult as that sounds, I also know I have an even longer road ahead of me to enjoy the blessings He has prepared for me after I have repented and am worthy to receive the great miracle of forgiveness. An eternity of joy and blessings after a very short (but what seems like a very long) period of suffering is definitely better than an eternity of suffering after a short period of fun and amusement.